The Adventures of Asshole

So earlier today I was getting ready to shower to over to my godmom's when Asshole called.

Why? Glad you asked!

He has created a board game that's actually sold a fair amount for an independent. And he wanted me to test out with people. Right. Haven't heard hide nor hair for 2 weeks, since he called me anyway. His first statement? NOT "Hello." No, no. Not this asshole. It was "So I'm looking for people to test out [name not given because asswipe doesn't deserve the publicity.]." Right. I'll just take that time right now.

"No, I can't today. I have to go to my godmom's."
"What about Tuesday?"
"Can't. Doc appointment."
"At 7pm?"
"Then I have to go to my godmom's." Liiiiiar that I am.
"Oh, okay."

Then I, being the confused that I am, keep talking but stop mid-sentence after telling that my stepdad's coming over to fix my apartment a bit. I was tired of carrying the conversation and it was only 2 minutes in. Instead I decided to spend the next ten minutes starting a sentence, stopping, and letting it hang. He couldn't carry a conversation with me. Me. I'm like the easiest person to talk to because I have a wide variety of topics.

And the oddest thing he said? "Happy showering." Happy. Showering. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

Ho Ho Ho!

May all your dreams be merry and bright.
(And may no one get snowed in again.)

Merry Christmas.

Well, shit. That hurts my heart.

Yeah, see this is why Asshole is called Asshole.

He pursues me for almost 2 months. Meets me. Suddenly I'm not his cuppa. Because hey, I'm fat and don't look like an an anime character brought to life. Or that's what I'm assuming since he never said a damn thing about it. Look, asshole. If I can overlook the fact you play D&D like it's the end of your world, you can adjust. You had no problem telling me how every way you wanted to fuck me before you meet me now didcha?

Disappears for a fucking month. No note, no letting me know. Turns out, he was in Berkley/San Fran to see family. Okay, whatever. We weren't even dating, much less a relationship.

Calls me when he gets back. First time in like 6 weeks. Oookay. I talk to him. Stupid, stupid me. Since I haven't heard from him since.

Finally updates his blog about his vacation. Learn that he had another girl in his bed for 5 days recently. Didn't make a move. Supposedly. Which, I actually kinda believe because he's a chicken shit. And then he apparently went on a date with someone else. Please note that when I kept saying I'd go on a date with him, even point blank, he ignored it. Before he met me. And still tried to hook up with me. I'm not a piece of ass and I'm not for sale.

Fuck it. I'm tired of this shit.

I'm gonna be celibate forever. It doesn't hurt nearly as much as that kind of disregard.

Some days just hurt

I've been reading a ton of urban fantasy/paranormal romance. Like, Amazon owes me some money or something for all the business I do. (Please, publishing houses, make more shifter books. I don't care about vampires half as much as I do the dual-natured. Primarily because I think every single person is dual-natured, with animal tendencies in us when the need arises. Otherwise, statements like "She's like a mama bear protecting her cubs with that kid" wouldn't exist.) However, it's made me realize a couple things about myself.

One: I can't settle.
The main things I've seen in all the shifter books is the alpha male. Occasionally an alpha female shows up, but mostly not so much. It's made me realize that I couldn't settle for some weak-willed guy. But I don't want that domineering man, either. Pretty sure I'll end up alone because there's no happy medium for me. I won't be submissive, in way shape or form. I grew up living under people's thumbs. I'm finally out on my own now. Living my life, and submitting to someone's demands or will? It would break me. I'm broken inside, in so many ways. I'm not the most emotionally stable person around. I'd drive a man insane, utterly. That combined with dominance is a bit of a problem. I'll follow, if it's something I have no interest in. Meaning if someone in a class group wants to give out orders, that's fine. I'll stake my claim on the topic I want and then just do whatever. But I don't follow when I feel like the person in charge sucks at it. I've been known to take control if that's the case. Or do all the work and gently tell my teachers what's going on later. No point in burning bridges unless you have to.

Two: Magnetism isn't everything
I'm pretty magnetic when it comes to attracting attention. Ironic, really, since I'm 5'1, so beyond past the ideal weight, and not your typical fantasy material. But I'm still magnetic. My godmom calls it this magnetic force. No matter where I am - be grocery, restaurant, or school - people always talk to me. I don't understand it, and I usually forget about it, but lately, I've noticed it happening more. It's not necessarily a bad thing. It keeps me from becoming insanely surly and rude. I'm naturally a light, happyish person, and my personality is coming out more since I moved out of my godmom's, but it's not that damned different from most people. The thing is, no matter how magnetic I apparently am, I still can't seem to keep anyone around for long. Or I'll have a guy (ahem, let's call him asshole, shall we?) that comes in and out of my life, whenever he feels like it. I won't hear from him for a month, and then I'll get two calls a week. It's very random. I had to pin down a location to meet the idiot. Whoever said Emory graduates were smart lied like a two century old rug. I'm socially awkward past the flirt stage (natural flirt, for the record, since I'm never aware of actually doing it on purpose). I don't know, maybe it's chase. Fuck if I know. But I can't keep anyone interested. Or. If they are, I'm a friend and nothing more.

Three: I don't trust
Pretty simple, really. I don't trust. Or rather, I superficially trust. I'm an open book, for the most part, but I keep a lot of inner self back. I have to. It's just...mandatory. Most people never look past the bright to see the dark, and I honestly like it that way. I don't want people to be able read my moods so easily. That only leads to disaster and pain. True me, I'm well acquainted with the concept. I stopped blindly giving trust by the time I was 16 and my mom carelessly told me that she had to convinced from everyone under the sun to not abort my ass. And made me understand why I'd been punished all my life for something I had no control over. For the record, I apparently made her not go out and get coked out and drunk. I want to trust people, but I doubt it'll happen, not fully. I'm more inclined to wait for the other shoe. Childhood habits never go fully away. They're ingrained, part of your behavior pattern. I learned a long time ago that eventually everyone will screw you over. But it doesn't mean I don't need people around me. Not like a party - I hate that kind of crush - but just someone that gives a damn about me, even if it'll end badly. I need that contact. It keeps me relatively balanced. I don't need to talk to people all the time, or much of anything else, just occasionally. Keeps the darkness at bay, for awhile. I don't mean depression or anything, but more...like, a darkness that seeps in from time to time, if I'm contemplating too much. I prefer to forget my childhood and teenage years when I can. (You try being 18 and facing a very probable mental breakdown, after stopping the first one around six months earlier. According to my mom, however, I had an absolutely spectacular childhood and only created the drama; I wasn't reacting and then surviving it, at all.) It hurts my heart less.

I had a longer list, seriously. Like, more than Heigl's character in 27 Dresses, but my head started hurting way too much. It's kind of like...self-preservation. Needless to say, I'm just one gigantic contradiction. Add that to the list, would you?