15 December 2008

Some days just hurt

I've been reading a ton of urban fantasy/paranormal romance. Like, Amazon owes me some money or something for all the business I do. (Please, publishing houses, make more shifter books. I don't care about vampires half as much as I do the dual-natured. Primarily because I think every single person is dual-natured, with animal tendencies in us when the need arises. Otherwise, statements like "She's like a mama bear protecting her cubs with that kid" wouldn't exist.) However, it's made me realize a couple things about myself.

One: I can't settle.
The main things I've seen in all the shifter books is the alpha male. Occasionally an alpha female shows up, but mostly not so much. It's made me realize that I couldn't settle for some weak-willed guy. But I don't want that domineering man, either. Pretty sure I'll end up alone because there's no happy medium for me. I won't be submissive, in way shape or form. I grew up living under people's thumbs. I'm finally out on my own now. Living my life, and submitting to someone's demands or will? It would break me. I'm broken inside, in so many ways. I'm not the most emotionally stable person around. I'd drive a man insane, utterly. That combined with dominance is a bit of a problem. I'll follow, if it's something I have no interest in. Meaning if someone in a class group wants to give out orders, that's fine. I'll stake my claim on the topic I want and then just do whatever. But I don't follow when I feel like the person in charge sucks at it. I've been known to take control if that's the case. Or do all the work and gently tell my teachers what's going on later. No point in burning bridges unless you have to.

Two: Magnetism isn't everything
I'm pretty magnetic when it comes to attracting attention. Ironic, really, since I'm 5'1, so beyond past the ideal weight, and not your typical fantasy material. But I'm still magnetic. My godmom calls it this magnetic force. No matter where I am - be grocery, restaurant, or school - people always talk to me. I don't understand it, and I usually forget about it, but lately, I've noticed it happening more. It's not necessarily a bad thing. It keeps me from becoming insanely surly and rude. I'm naturally a light, happyish person, and my personality is coming out more since I moved out of my godmom's, but it's not that damned different from most people. The thing is, no matter how magnetic I apparently am, I still can't seem to keep anyone around for long. Or I'll have a guy (ahem, let's call him asshole, shall we?) that comes in and out of my life, whenever he feels like it. I won't hear from him for a month, and then I'll get two calls a week. It's very random. I had to pin down a location to meet the idiot. Whoever said Emory graduates were smart lied like a two century old rug. I'm socially awkward past the flirt stage (natural flirt, for the record, since I'm never aware of actually doing it on purpose). I don't know, maybe it's chase. Fuck if I know. But I can't keep anyone interested. Or. If they are, I'm a friend and nothing more.

Three: I don't trust
Pretty simple, really. I don't trust. Or rather, I superficially trust. I'm an open book, for the most part, but I keep a lot of inner self back. I have to. It's just...mandatory. Most people never look past the bright to see the dark, and I honestly like it that way. I don't want people to be able read my moods so easily. That only leads to disaster and pain. True me, I'm well acquainted with the concept. I stopped blindly giving trust by the time I was 16 and my mom carelessly told me that she had to convinced from everyone under the sun to not abort my ass. And made me understand why I'd been punished all my life for something I had no control over. For the record, I apparently made her not go out and get coked out and drunk. I want to trust people, but I doubt it'll happen, not fully. I'm more inclined to wait for the other shoe. Childhood habits never go fully away. They're ingrained, part of your behavior pattern. I learned a long time ago that eventually everyone will screw you over. But it doesn't mean I don't need people around me. Not like a party - I hate that kind of crush - but just someone that gives a damn about me, even if it'll end badly. I need that contact. It keeps me relatively balanced. I don't need to talk to people all the time, or much of anything else, just occasionally. Keeps the darkness at bay, for awhile. I don't mean depression or anything, but more...like, a darkness that seeps in from time to time, if I'm contemplating too much. I prefer to forget my childhood and teenage years when I can. (You try being 18 and facing a very probable mental breakdown, after stopping the first one around six months earlier. According to my mom, however, I had an absolutely spectacular childhood and only created the drama; I wasn't reacting and then surviving it, at all.) It hurts my heart less.

I had a longer list, seriously. Like, more than Heigl's character in 27 Dresses, but my head started hurting way too much. It's kind of like...self-preservation. Needless to say, I'm just one gigantic contradiction. Add that to the list, would you?

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4 Comments:

Blogger Pug and I said...

You updated! Yay!
But on a more serious note, not settling is the best way to go. I strongly believe it's better to be alone than with someone you cannot get along with or don't respect.
And I can understand the trust issues - I don't know too much about your history, but you've hinted at various things, and it's only normal that you feel this way. Hell, some people with a "perfect" childhood are still cynical bastards. But yes, having people that care for you, as imperfect as they may be, is important. Anyway, I hope your Christmas rocks your socks off. Or at the very least is relaxing. :) Take care!

12:36 AM  
Blogger Jessie said...

School kicked my ass this semester, that's why I've been absent. I ended up with 1 C (Astronomy is so useless), 2 Bs (Astronomy Lab, World History) and 1 A (Health class).

I know I shouldn't settle, and I won't, but I just...I feel like I won't find the guy that'll make complement me, either. I'm damned hard to please. I just, I just wish I had someone. I'm trying to break the cynical thing (yeah, that'll happen in this lifetime, really.)

And as much as I love having my friends, I do really want a guy. I don't need a damned ring. Hell, I'd be happy with just...dating, even casually. Sometimes, it just sucks being the friend, or in the case of Asshole, being someone he wanted to meet...until he did. Apparently my warning of not resembling Claudia Schiffer wasn't enough. He kinda tapered even further. Fuck, he disappeared for a month and didn't tell me he'd been to Berkley until after he got back. Yeah. And he's a damn weak-willed bastard anyway.

Christmases are never good for me. Too much drama there and emotional upheaval. Even though I bought a tree, it's been plugged in...once, maybe two.

3:53 AM  
Blogger Pug and I said...

Well, I'd have to agree with you - Christmases tend to be difficult. Sometimes I'd like to just hole up in my apartment, ALONE, and relax during the holidays. Heck, I don't even have a tree. I may be Christian, but Christmas is just ridiculously commercialized these days, it's kind of pathetic.

ANYWAY, I'm glad you passed your classes! Yay. :)

As for guys, yes, it IS nice to have someone there. Even if it's casual dating. Of course, it sucks even more to be in a bad relationship than alone, as I've experienced, but once you find someone you get along with, it can be amazing. There are so many people out there, and there are plenty of guys who will be compatible with you, to varying degrees. And it's fun to date around and see. :) But I really hope you find someone interesting soon, who isn't an asshole. Ugh. You're an awesome person!

4:12 PM  
Blogger Jessie said...

I was excited for the season and the WHUMP it disappeared. It does that every year. I got cards and a tree. And presents (given with care). That's it. That's all I can handle. It's not the commercialization, since the world is overly so...it's just, it hurts my heart. Plus I'm only partially Christian, since I'm more spiritual. I don't have a set religion.

I'm so glad I passed my classes. I need to get out of the blasted things. I'm trying to get my degree by next Fall, the 2 year one. That way I can get into Georgia State that Spring.

What's funny is I don't want my forever guy right now. I just want someone I can out with and have fun with. Not even sex fun. Just, fun. Like going to a hockey game with, who can tell me what I'm watching. I don't mind being alone, but sometimes, you need that connection. I just...want a little change up. I would handle a friend dating well. Ya know? Someone to be a friend with and break up my schedule. Though, I think part of my problem is that I'm not spontaneous. I need more than an hour's notice (as Asshole gave, or less, and was 40 minutes away). I just need to go out and do things.

On the upside, the brewery (the bar at even) knows me now. It's good comfort food. I have a couple places I eat at fairly often. And found a takeaway place that delivers from places (Zifty.com). But I want someone that'll bop upside the head and remind me to stop being wrapped up in doing nothing. Bah.

8:33 PM  

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