Some days just hurt

I've been reading a ton of urban fantasy/paranormal romance. Like, Amazon owes me some money or something for all the business I do. (Please, publishing houses, make more shifter books. I don't care about vampires half as much as I do the dual-natured. Primarily because I think every single person is dual-natured, with animal tendencies in us when the need arises. Otherwise, statements like "She's like a mama bear protecting her cubs with that kid" wouldn't exist.) However, it's made me realize a couple things about myself.

One: I can't settle.
The main things I've seen in all the shifter books is the alpha male. Occasionally an alpha female shows up, but mostly not so much. It's made me realize that I couldn't settle for some weak-willed guy. But I don't want that domineering man, either. Pretty sure I'll end up alone because there's no happy medium for me. I won't be submissive, in way shape or form. I grew up living under people's thumbs. I'm finally out on my own now. Living my life, and submitting to someone's demands or will? It would break me. I'm broken inside, in so many ways. I'm not the most emotionally stable person around. I'd drive a man insane, utterly. That combined with dominance is a bit of a problem. I'll follow, if it's something I have no interest in. Meaning if someone in a class group wants to give out orders, that's fine. I'll stake my claim on the topic I want and then just do whatever. But I don't follow when I feel like the person in charge sucks at it. I've been known to take control if that's the case. Or do all the work and gently tell my teachers what's going on later. No point in burning bridges unless you have to.

Two: Magnetism isn't everything
I'm pretty magnetic when it comes to attracting attention. Ironic, really, since I'm 5'1, so beyond past the ideal weight, and not your typical fantasy material. But I'm still magnetic. My godmom calls it this magnetic force. No matter where I am - be grocery, restaurant, or school - people always talk to me. I don't understand it, and I usually forget about it, but lately, I've noticed it happening more. It's not necessarily a bad thing. It keeps me from becoming insanely surly and rude. I'm naturally a light, happyish person, and my personality is coming out more since I moved out of my godmom's, but it's not that damned different from most people. The thing is, no matter how magnetic I apparently am, I still can't seem to keep anyone around for long. Or I'll have a guy (ahem, let's call him asshole, shall we?) that comes in and out of my life, whenever he feels like it. I won't hear from him for a month, and then I'll get two calls a week. It's very random. I had to pin down a location to meet the idiot. Whoever said Emory graduates were smart lied like a two century old rug. I'm socially awkward past the flirt stage (natural flirt, for the record, since I'm never aware of actually doing it on purpose). I don't know, maybe it's chase. Fuck if I know. But I can't keep anyone interested. Or. If they are, I'm a friend and nothing more.

Three: I don't trust
Pretty simple, really. I don't trust. Or rather, I superficially trust. I'm an open book, for the most part, but I keep a lot of inner self back. I have to. It's just...mandatory. Most people never look past the bright to see the dark, and I honestly like it that way. I don't want people to be able read my moods so easily. That only leads to disaster and pain. True me, I'm well acquainted with the concept. I stopped blindly giving trust by the time I was 16 and my mom carelessly told me that she had to convinced from everyone under the sun to not abort my ass. And made me understand why I'd been punished all my life for something I had no control over. For the record, I apparently made her not go out and get coked out and drunk. I want to trust people, but I doubt it'll happen, not fully. I'm more inclined to wait for the other shoe. Childhood habits never go fully away. They're ingrained, part of your behavior pattern. I learned a long time ago that eventually everyone will screw you over. But it doesn't mean I don't need people around me. Not like a party - I hate that kind of crush - but just someone that gives a damn about me, even if it'll end badly. I need that contact. It keeps me relatively balanced. I don't need to talk to people all the time, or much of anything else, just occasionally. Keeps the darkness at bay, for awhile. I don't mean depression or anything, but more...like, a darkness that seeps in from time to time, if I'm contemplating too much. I prefer to forget my childhood and teenage years when I can. (You try being 18 and facing a very probable mental breakdown, after stopping the first one around six months earlier. According to my mom, however, I had an absolutely spectacular childhood and only created the drama; I wasn't reacting and then surviving it, at all.) It hurts my heart less.

I had a longer list, seriously. Like, more than Heigl's character in 27 Dresses, but my head started hurting way too much. It's kind of like...self-preservation. Needless to say, I'm just one gigantic contradiction. Add that to the list, would you?

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

After a lot of soul searching - isn't that what twentysomethings are known for? - I decided on my career path. I'll be 45 before I get it all done, but I will get it done. I've gone through a lot of choices in the past, latching onto something I think will help or give me a decent living...but nothing really made me go "Oh, THAT! Yes, THAT is what I want!" Well, except for being a vet, but seriously, me and math are enemies. Science is a bitch, too.

I was perusing college sites, trying to find something, and I stumbled across the best fit for me, ever. It's got all the elements I love, and it's something I've accidentally been internalizing forever without realizing it.

My choice? Classicist, focusing on Roman History, preferably the reign of Emperors. The crazy mothers like Caligulia and Nero. The ones that are so twisted (hey, that sounds vaguely familiar) that they are remembered for their atrocities. Now I don't like things like crazy people killing people for random fun, but how can you not find a man that makes his horse a Senator fascinating?

I've always excelled at history, at studying the past in order to understand the present and future. To know the roads that mankind's walked and how and why it died out. I love it, so much. I could read books on it for days. God knows the History Channel's in my top five, no doubt about it. Especially the ones on the looking into ancient times.

I plan on getting my PhD in the area. I'll have to find a good college for that. I'd go to Emory, but seriously, just emailing the head of the department, asking how I should begin, like what I'll need to know later on to succeed in that specific area, I got brushed off. Bitch, please. It costs an arm and a leg and ain't the only pony in the world. I'll figure the rest after I get my Masters. I figure I'll spend a couple years in Italy, so maybe I'll study past that. Either way, it's the perfect field for me. Until then, it might have to be something like Ga State University.

Either way, it'll be a long while until I get to that stage. But I'm finally focused. Everything just lined up. And god it feels good to finally start in a direction. Now, to work on my religious beliefs. That'll take just as long, I think. Because as hard to believe as it is, I'm quite opinionated and find fault with most of them. And combine different ones, too. Bit of a problem, that.