17 June 2007

Toilet and all

For another story of my moms family's....unusualness, I'll introduce y'all to Uncle T. Now, all my mom's brothers (and hell, my step-father) are alcoholics. Uncle T is a mean drunk. Oh, yes. Unlike my Uncle C, who is awesomesauce when drunk...unless it's his ex-wife. He's also got the family pride, temper, and lack of common sense. You'll see all those come into play by the end of this post. Okay, that's enough of back story.

My Uncle T and Aunt L were getting a divorce about 10 years ago. They were the fist-fighting, screaming at each other sorts of arguers, so you can imagine the hell that went on when they were mad. Now, they lived in squaller. I do mean that, too. My two cousins had pet roaches. Seriously. I know this because I used to stay there before school. And I hated the way it smelled. Talk about junk collectors. They were renting the house, I think. Hell, they might have owned it for all I know. I can't be certain. Anyway, if you've ever seen Animal Cops on Animal Planet, the hoarder houses? Yeah, pretty much. Just don't add the too many animals to it.

Okay, so my uncle and aunt were fighting, arguing over something but no one's ever said. He got so angry that he went and ripped the toilet off the floor. No, really. Straight up and broke the bolts. The worst part? That was the only bathroom in the house. So they had to go out to a trailer next to the house that held the rest of their shit to shit. Oh, yes. We're a winning family. Of course, there was also a weird shed on the property that held lawn mowers and possibly a pig or two, along with two small cornfields on either side. Oh, yes. White trash representing. And they picked the corn. Ahem, got side-tracked. Sorry.

Now, it's guaranteed that he was drinking, since alcoholic and the day ended on Y. And they kept arguing after the destruction of the toilet. It got to the point that he went and pulled out his handgun. Because in this family, meaning my mom's, you had better be prepared for anything. In a case of infinite wisdom, he started waving it around while Aunt L was outside. Pissed off, he shot it.

No, no. He didn't shoot her. You see, he shot it straight ahead, so it went into the woods across the street. But the story doesn't end here. You see, there happened to be someone jugging over by the trees. Not just anyone, but an off-duty cop. Of course, he had his radio on him because sleepy town or not, there's some crazy people in the world. He called it in and I think had his gun, too.

So my uncle was arrested for shooting a gun while drunk. He served time, but I'm not sure how long, and then was put on probation. Aunt L also ended up divorcing him because she wasn't gonna live with his crazy ass. Can't say I blame her really. This is also the same guy that tries to tell me what the best job for me would be. Uh huh. Because he's got awesome thought processes like that.

The toilet didn't get fixed for about six months.

My family? Fodder for a book, seriously. No one would believe these things happen.



Blogger The "Mind" said...

OMG, I'm sorry, the toilet has me cracking up. And I can so relate to some of this, I know people like this.

I'm just surprised they didn't have a handy-dandy outhouse on the property for just such emergencies.

Thanks for stopping by my blog.

8:39 PM  
Blogger Jessie said...

*laugh* The toilet is the best part of the story I think. I mean, it really makes it unique. Not just anyone tears the toilet off the bolts.

Hey, at least you're not related to them? ;)

They did have the outhouse, that broken down, faded rusty trailer. *laugh* Oh, yes. Electric blue.

I read your blog a couple times a day, to see if you've added anything. I have a special place for Mitten people, what with my daddy being from there and two of my aunts still living there.

8:50 PM  
Blogger Nancy said...

"The toilet"... I can envision it ... kinda like the crazy Indian ripping the sink out at the end of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"

"White trash representing" = funny

Isn't it nice when we can find humor in our crazy lives?


8:00 AM  
Blogger Jessie said...

*laugh* I've never seen "One Flew", so I'll have to take your word for it. Probably a bit like a mental person doing it, since my family is completely mental. Uncle T's probably my second to least favorite uncle. Only lower is Uncle H.

Oh, we're totally white trash representing. I'd cry if I didn't laugh. After all, these people make up my gene pool. *grins* A rather murky one, though.

12:42 PM  

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