23 June 2007

Well, shit on a cracker

Not bringing the funny, sorry.

So, my godmom and I get along for the most part. I love her, and she loves me. However, she has this problem: passive-aggressive, guilting you into doing exactly what you want type behaviour. She's 74. She does it because her mom did it to her. Which gives her a little bit of wiggle-room, but after 25 years, I'm just slightly over it. Just a little.

Whatever I'm feeling, it's broadcast loudly and clearly. You can't miss it. So, I had asked my godmom to buy my kitten the birthday present since I'm presently broke. Like, I have enough to pay for my insurance and to eat for a bit, but that's it. I asked her this awhile back, and I found a cheap but functional thing. For 17.34, I could get a two-story cloth cat condo and a little one-story hammock. It was pretty okay. But she didn't want to buy it. You know that face, the mom face? The mouth twists down to a frown and the look of "I don't think so" comes over the face? Yeah, I got that one. Which normally it doesn't bother me. I'm used to that sort of thing because I'm forever doing something wrong.

So while I was waiting on her to catch up on me, I was muttering some not so nice things under my breath. I was pissed and hurt because I had told her ahead of time how much it was cost, at least a rounded up "around 15 bucks." Just to make sure she knew it'd be more than 10, less than 20. It depends on the store at times. I used the c word. I use that word...maybe twice every two years. I don't like it, I never have. And I also really, really appreciate what my godmom does for me. I'm not stupid; I know I'm lucky. But I just get tired of the mind games. Seriously, I could give lessons on how to win an argument through manipulation before you're eight. Battle ground from womb on.

So I wasn't surprised after showing my displeasure when in the car, my godmom goes "With your lip poked out like that, you look like your mother." My instant reply, "Thank you!" Now, comparing me to my mom is like the most cruel thing you can do. The woman is the most selfish woman I've met. I just can't even describe the anger in those words. Me, I'm the opposite for the most part. I'll give you the bra off my boobs if you need it. Not because I get to tell everyone about the good deed like my mom, but because it's the right thing to do. I have a pretty solid moral compass. It doesn't waiver, and I don't think it ever will. I'm pretty solid in my beliefs. My mom cheated on my dad because he didn't give her enough sex and she didn't want to have me in the first place. She called me names like bitch by the time I was 12. She was jealous of all the advantages my godmom gave me because no one did it for her growing up. She thinks she knows all about my diabetes when she talks ot me about 5 minutes every three months. Yeah. So comparing me? Hurt like a mother. And my godmom knew it would.

Right now? Not so much talking to her. And I probably won't for a couple hours. Don't worry, though. My showing displeasure will be something I'll pay for in the coming weeks and months. She skips the hours and days and goes straight for the whole hog. Lovely.

Oh, and she spends about 40-50 a month on diet pills. At 74. While crash dieting. And not exercising. Then complains when she can't fit into her St. John Knits that are made for fashion sized 14, which is like a 10 on normal people. She has got a closet full of clothes but she refuses to face the fact at 74, she's not 40 anymore. Her body doesn't work that way. And it's something I have to discuss with her daily. Her body issues make mine look positive. Imagine doing this on a daily basis. Passive-aggressive swipes get old real fast.

Gee, why do I want to move out?

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18 Comments:

Anonymous Roses said...

Jessie,
I get worked up in a lather reading your post. Your godmom sounds a LOT like my mother-in-law who lived with us for 8 freaking long years.
It won't help your situation, but if you want to know that you're not alone, come on over to my blog and hit some of my Mother-In-Law posts.
Here they are:
http://ackthbbbt.blogspot.com/search/label/Mother-in-Law

((hug))

5:59 PM  
Blogger Jessie said...

*laugh* Then I feel really sorry you, and you have my sympathies. Unlimited patience eventually reaches a point, you know? I mean, I know I'm damn lucky I can live with her without paying rent or having to buy food, that she splits my medical bill costs with my dad. I truly appreciate that. Because I know she loves me.

I just get so tired sometimes, of having to watch everything I say. I can't even discipline her pug when the damn thing bites me. I think part of it is the fact when her mom died, who had positioned herself in Godmom's life the way Godmom's done me, she put herself into being dependent on me. Which, I'll admit I didn't help with, but I seriously worry about her driving because she doesn't have good reflexes when she needs to.

There's nothing worse than someone who smothers you to death. If I were in the position? I'd put a down payment on my own place, just to have that peace and quiet. I'm pretty open and friendly, just my nature, but I'm also a loner by nature. She talks my ear off about her soaps, asks about things I don't know about. And it's just too much at times.

I was going to make our steaks for dinner, but not so much now. I like cooking for her and try and do it a couple times a week. I do little things like get her coffee ready at night so in the morning all she has to do is flip the switch. I do it because I like making her life easier, but I'm scared that it's coming at a higher price than I can afford, you know? I like helping her, but I don't think it should come at the price of me.

I've got enough bruises from my childhood, having to give up who I was make everyone happy. And believe me, I'm still struggling to get back to who I want to be, and discovering it.

And catalog thing? Dude, we have more of those than junk mail. Seriously, stop ordering stuff Godmom. She doesn't keep half of it anyway. The UPS man knows her so well that he got worried when he didn't visit for about 3 weeks. HSN and QVC are like her drugs.

6:50 PM  
Anonymous Roses said...

Jessie,
Just know that once you don't live together anymore, the healing will start. It might be a long way off, but you will heal when that day comes.
It helped me to blog and to vent at message boards with other daughters-in-law. And looking at things with a humorous slant was VERY helpful.
Once I could say, "That woman amuses me sometimes..." before I'd describe the horror, it got easier.

Don't let the guilt or sense of "repayment" carry you too far. An insult is an insult, no matter who it comes from.
But it is really hard to tell off someone you need to live with later.
::shakes head::
I know.
I know.

Some people are just mean.
And then they do something benevolent and call themselves good.
Who are they fooling but themselves?

10:05 PM  
Blogger Pug Mom said...

Your Godmom sounds a lot like my mom - she didn't grow up with a mother, and had to live with her grandmother, who really was a plain old bitch. So, because she had no decent childhood or parental figure, my mother decided that being smothering and overprotecting and wanting to know every single thing you're doing and telling you what to do if she thinks you're doing something even the tiniest bit wrong... she thinks this is all normal and good and beneficial. She's also The Expert at manipulating you and making you feel bad if you disagree with her or don't obey her "suggestions". My dad cannot stand her, neither can my sister, and the only reason I haven't blown up and called her every name in the book by now, is the fact that I was blessed with moving out of the state for grad school, so I've been mom free for 2 years now. It's HEAVEN. I know she loves me and all, and I do too, but sometimes you just cannot take it anymore. If only she'd understand this, and despite the fact that I sometimes TRY to explain it to her (at the risk of having her get mad at me for the next month), she just does NOT get it. She thinks she's not doing anything wrong. It's just hard sometimes, but I figure she's been a good mom overall, so I should really try to get over it whenever things like that happen. I don't know.... blah. It's hard when it's your own flesh and blood and you see them every two months... :)

12:18 AM  
Anonymous Roses said...

"manipulating "

That's the word.

"She thinks she's not doing anything wrong."

There it is.
Realize that the problem is hers and not yours, and it helps.

9:20 AM  
Blogger Jessie said...

Roses,


Don't let the guilt or sense of "repayment" carry you too far. An insult is an insult, no matter who it comes from.

See, that's the thing. I was raised in a very, very dysfunctional family. I was made sure that my "repayments" had to be taken into account, whatever I do. It sucks because it means that I know my worth only extends to what I can do for them. Which isn't to say they don't do for me, and that I'm not a raging bitch at times, but sometimes it just gets to be too much. A 12-year-old shouldn't have to face those mind games. And I'm at a place right now where I'm at her mercy, literally. My mom doesn't want me, and I can't live with my stepmom.

I honestly don't think my godmom's mean. I think a lot of it came from living with an emotionally abusive, serial cheating, social climbing lawyer for about 20 years. I think, unfortunately, it left a bad mark on her, too. Because the tactics she's using now sound like the ones she says he used in the past. I don't know since I was about 15 years from being born, but judging by comments at least.

I've tried to bring up what I need, and she just acts like I insulted everything she's doing. She won't admit the games that she and my mom played, ones that put me in the middle of it all. She'll bring up the fact when I got money for Valentine's Day around 11-12 years old, and I'd give it to my mom because she needed it. Why not, since I'd been taking care of my mom all my life at that point. But the problem is the fact she brings it up 13 years later. Dude, that's in the past. Leave it there.

She refuses to admit that she made me choose my loyalties before I was old enough to count. And then will bring up something cute I did when I was 4. It's very draining. And sometimes, I just get tired of it, you know?

4:31 PM  
Blogger Jessie said...

Pug Mom,

I know she loves me and all, and I do too, but sometimes you just cannot take it anymore. If only she'd understand this, and despite the fact that I sometimes TRY to explain it to her (at the risk of having her get mad at me for the next month), she just does NOT get it. She thinks she's not doing anything wrong.

Precisely. I've been on the receiving end of that many times. It's a pain in the ass when you're trying to broach the topic so another blow out doesn't happen, but it just makes it worse. I've been paying the price of having my own personality all my life, so I can certainly understand your resignation at times. You start to realize that you're going to be in shithouse not matter what you do. Dare to be different, and you'll pay a heavy price.

I wish I was in a place I could be on my own, like so badly. Because it's two days later and I'm still paying for being upset. And I will continue to pay until I'm forced to apologize. She never does the apologizing. I'm the only one that messes up. That takes a toll, too.

Manipulation is the worst part, I think. Because you can't win against it. No matter what. You'll never be right.

5:01 PM  
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Hope so.

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