28 May 2007

Little Girl Blue

Okay, I have my LJ and I love it, but sometimes I just need to let a little bit more out. Things I don't want the masses to know, maybe. Or heck, it could be a fear of something. Who the hell knows how my mind works. I surely don't.

I hadn't planned on writing anything over here, since really, I don't have a lot of to share, but I think I kinda do. More like I just wish I had something of my own. My own house, my own life, my own job, my own critters (okay, besides Ninja Kitty - aka Noelle, Jack the hamster, and CC the gerbil). I just need my own place to exist. Sometimes I feel like a fraud, and a freeloader. I know I should be doing better, but I'm so lost as to what. I don't want to be anything major, like a therapist or an artist. I'd be happy being a librarian (secret wish, actually), or a writer. I would love to make a living writing, but I don't have the follow thorough. I have all these amazing ideas and stories, but I can't quite get them on paper. So that's kinda a pointless goal. I love books, though. I get lost in them in ways I can't explain. And that's okay. I love that about them. I have to go through my book shelf a couple times a year to free up space. I have mostly romance and sci-fi/fantasy because that's what I enjoy. But I know that I can't afford, or should be spending time reading. I should be out looking for a job, but my skill set is pretty limited to the only thing I can't do. Due to my medicine, I have very real limitations. I can't be out in the heat for long, or get oversweaty, or stand on my feet for hours at a time. The thing is, that I'm pulled towards blue collar, on your feet eight hours a day type jobs.

I...have no idea where I'm going with this. I guess, I've just felt claustrophobic this week. I was snapping at my godmom earlier, and that's nottoo unusual, except I didn't know why. Maybe because in my mind, I know at 25, I should be hella more along on my path. I have these goals and I keep missing the deadlines, and I'm really feeling like a failure. I don't like that feeling, because I don't think I am. But I sure can't help it. I want to be further along. I did fill out my FAFSA form, so hopefully I can get help and go back to school. For what, I have no idea, but I need to go back and get in the routine. I feel like I should redeem all the time I've wasted. I've been out of high school for 7 years, and I'm in the same place I was right after. That's...deplorable. I've had resources, time, opportunity, and I've wasted it. Can't keep doing that. I know better than that.

I guess I should end now, because I'm babbling without a cohesive thought. Hell, I should probably delete it but I think I need to track my progress, or regression. Whichever it may be.



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